worthless.

I cried last night. After a few months of not crying, I cried last night. At first, my eyes were watery and I said to myself, 'don't cry.' And I didn't stop, couldn't stop, wouldn't stop. Tears were rolling down on my cheeks. Tried to stop, but I cried even worse. Cried for so many reasons. Been keeping all those things for a long time. I never thought I would cry last night. Thought I was strong enough. But yeah. Heh.

Accepting the fact that nobody loves me is hard. Y'know? Like really hard. I'm always the second option in everything. Every single thing. it's like, people only go to me if they have no one. Being the second option really hurts. I'm not a tissue. You can't use me just only when you want. I'm not a toy that you can fool around. I am a human, who have feelings. Okay? 

I'm tired of pretending to be happy infront of everyone. Honestly, I forgot how to be happy anymore. I'm tired of faking my smile. I'm tired of acting like I don't care. I'm tired of being not appreciated. I'm tired of being worthless. A worthless shit. I'm tired of being used to. I'm tired of pleasing everyone. I'm tired to make everyone happy. I'm tired of life.

I wanna know how does it feels like being very important to someone. I wanna know how does it feels like being appreciated for everything I do. I wanna know how does it feels like to have a sincere smile. I wanna know how does it feels like to be happy, without forcing yourself. I wanna know how does it feels like to be happy. I wanna know how does it feels like to be the person that everyone loves.

You might say that I'm such a drama queen. Say whatever you want, I don't care. You don't know what my life is all about. You don't know what happened. You don't know what I've gone through for the past few days. You know nothing. Absolutely nothing. You don't deserve to judge because you don't know how does it feels like being me. You know nothing. Haih.