Facing the reality.

So, tomorrow's the day. The day that I've been waiting for. Okay not. Tomorrow, all boarding school students are going back to school. School starts on Monday. Yes, I've been accepting the fact that I am going back tomorrow for the past few days, but tonight itself, i cried. Yes, I cried. I don't wanna go back, for God's sake, who wants? I mean, for you guys, maybe going back to school is the best thing ever. But to me, it's the worst nightmare. I swear.

Living there is hard. You will never understand what we're actually going through. A lot of things. Not just the common things, but other things too, which I prefer not to tell you. Yes, I've been living there for almost 2 years. But that doesn't make love that place more. I even love that place lesser. The surroundings, the people around you, everything. Every single thing. Even if I tell you, you will not understand. so, yeah. Better keep it as a secret. I am going back to college just because of my parents, my friends, Allah & studies. 

Reality bites. Hurts a lot. Facing the reality hurts more. But yeah, I know there's going to be a little bit of sunshine behind this rain. I mean, God's fair. He wouldn't let His creatures suffer all the time, right. Been patient since last year. But until when? When will I be happy staying there? I know it's a sin to say this. But yeah :'\ I'm just a normal human being, I have my own limits. I hate that school, but I'm going to love it one day, I know. But when?  I'm tired of pretending to be happy when I'm at school. 

I barely go home. 3 months once? I guess so. What do you expect? Be a fake bitch, pretending to be happy infront of everyone for 3 freaking months? That's totally a torture. Mental abuse. I can't force myself to be happy there. Everything, I hate everything. People? almost everyone, sorry to say. studies? I suck in studies. I never shine in studies. I suck in everything. Okay? How am I suppose to shine? When everything I do never goes right. Everything seems to be wrong. People judge. People hate. People look down on you. People lie. Everything I do is just wrong. 

I admit, being there sometimes is fun. Sometimes. Just some things don't go my way, that's all. Even if I tell my parents, they will go like, 'oh it's normal for a SBP student.' yes, everything is normal, everything is okay, everything is fine. Wait until one day, when I give up on life, and I decided to do something they would never expect. When that day comes, everything is okay. say those three words all the time. Yes, to you, everything is normal. Okay, I get it. Why is it normal to you? Because you're not in my shoes. You will never understand, until it happens to you. 

I'm still going back to that hell, even though I've stated so many reasons why I hate college. I still have to face the reality, even if it kills me inside. I still have to go back to college, either I want to or not. This is a part of my life. I've picked this way, and I have to continue the journey until the end. Maybe one day God will open my heart to love this school. I know I will. It's just a matter of time. Yeah, good luck everyone. Have fun at school. Assalamualaikum.